When Things Come to An End & Embracing Loneliness

I’ve been going through this phase recently where I can’t write anything. I will sit in front of my laptop with a snazzy blog post title and some images, but no words. Nothing. Nada. The idea would be there, but it wouldn’t turn into anything other than another empty draft.

This isn’t my normal i-am-burnout-and-need-a-break-to-refocus moments either as I’ve had those plenty of times before. Instead, I’ve been stopping myself from writing what I actually want to get off my chest. I was trying to write anything other than what my heart was telling me to because I didn’t want to make it ‘a thing’.

Unfortunately for me in this case, I can’t create properly in the mindset I’ve put myself in. If you know me well then you’ll agree when I admit that I have no poker face; if I have something on my mind then my face will give it away whether it’s good or bad. I suppose it must work the same way for my blog.

I didn’t plan to be one of those people who announce on their blog that they’ve gone through a break-up, yet here I am. Sure, it ended as amicably as any breakdown of a relationship could and I’m even hoping we’ll be friends one day. I’m also aware of how lucky I am that it didn’t turn to bitterness or even dislike. But boy you cannot sugarcoat a 6-year relationship ending – it fucking sucks.

Of course, I’ve not managed to dodge going through the motions:

  • The occasional crying session after work
  • The doubting feeling that I’ll never find the right person for me
  • The brief moments as I get up in the morning where I forget it’s happened
  • The times I naively thought that being angry would have made it easier to get over it all
  • The wandering daydream where I imagine what I could have done differently

It’s way too early to even suggest that I’m now a new and improved version of myself as I still have a long way to go. I’m doing well and accept that it was the right thing to do, so that’s good enough for me for now. The part I didn’t expect to experience as deeply as I have been is the loneliness of it all.

On a normal day I love being by myself! I’ve started travelling solo on a somewhat regular basis (read: when I can afford it) and crave alone time to recharge most evenings. Weirdly enough being alone isn’t what I’m struggling with as much but more learning who I am becoming without the relationship. It’s such a lonely experience because with that constant thing in my life gone, I have to be my own cheerleader and my best friend. I can’t afford to not trust my instincts. I have to know that I can still enjoy being on my own and not feel lonely all of the time.

So hey loneliness: you’re obviously going to be here for a while so I might as well get comfortable. If this is what I need to do to get back into the swing of life then bring it on!

“Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect.”
― Margaret Mitchell

Right, that’s enough of me feeling sorry for myself! Looking forward, I have so much going on at the moment which is probably what is helping me move on. I’ve booked two solo trips before work gets busy for Christmas (Amsterdam this month and Vienna in October – yay!) and I want to make more time for friends and family. As for this blog, it will carry on being a work in progress and fingers crossed good things will come from it.

Sometimes we need to put things out in the open and out of our own heads. Does this mean I can go back to talking about books and my travels now?

Portrait Photography by Kaye at Fordtography

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2 Comments

  1. 19 September 2018 / 9:34 am

    I’m sorry to read that! 🙁 I can imagine that it’s not easy after 6 years… I’m sending you positive vibes and wish you the best of luck to find yourself and that your inspiration/writing will come back.
    Just give yourself some time and give it time, there’s no rush 🙂 People would understand 🙂

  2. 19 September 2018 / 3:34 pm

    Ali, first of all I admire your courage for sharing a particularly challenging time on your blog, it’s quite admirable that you are honest and open. I am sorry for your break-up, but am glad you are finding ways of moving forward, and are connecting with friends and family. They can be a helpful support in difficult times.

    Sending positive vibes and kindness your way.

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