Early warning that this post talks about depression so it could contain some triggering elements.
I haven’t been myself for a while. Well I’m still Ali but something has changed. I feel lost and completely alone. I can’t sleep properly even when I’m tired. I eat too much. My motivation has hit an all time low. I’m stuck in this mindset thinking that I’m worthless. Crying has become a regular thing. I feel like I’ve gone mad.
Typing that just made my heart sink. I haven’t even said it out loud much, not that I’m in denial about it (well not anymore) because deep down I’ve known for a while but at the moment saying it doesn’t make me feel any better. I was always naive and assumed it could never affect someone like me. Sadly that’s not how depression works because it doesn’t care who you are, it’s completely heartless!
I can’t tell you when it all started because I haven’t figured it out. I guess this year hasn’t been the easiest for me at times so certain events might have triggered it but finding an actual starting point is a more difficult task. It took me months to even get myself a doctors appointment because I had convinced myself that it was just my anxiety playing up and eventually I realised that logic didn’t make much sense so I had to do something; I needed answers! Initially I wanted the doctor to tell me I was overreacting so when the words “signs of depression” came out of her mouth all I wanted to do was get back into bed and sleep for the next week aka go back to pretending. One of the questions she asked was how did my future look to me, or something along those lines? The only way I could explain was that I could see that I have a future but I have no idea what it is, kind of like when it’s foggy outside, and that scares me as I’ve always been the type to think very far ahead. That’s the devastating thing, it takes away all your hopes and ambitions and chucks them away! It wants you to feel like you have nothing so you feel like you are nothing even though somewhere in your mind you know it’s not true. I could feel myself getting worse, not dramatically but enough to notice, so it was a mixed feeling of dread and relief when the doctor suggested I started some cognitive behavioural therapy (it’s a talking therapy for those who don’t know already) because at least I was trying to get help but I knew the therapy was going to be draining. For me it’s one of those situations where it’s got to get a whole lot worse before it could possibly get any better!
Most days I wake up dreading how the day is going to turn out. I panic thinking I’m going to do something wrong when I haven’t even given myself a chance to get out of bed. Even when I do finally drag myself back into reality, I feel like a burden to everyone I’m in contact with because why would someone want to be around me when I’m feeling so low and negative? Sad doesn’t come close any more, I wish it was only to that extent because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.. no one deserves to feel like this! With all that being said I want/need to believe that I’m going to get better and that I’ll eventually get out of the darkness even though I still get those moments where I genuinely believe I’m going to be like this forever which is scary to think of when I’m alone at 2am. I can’t let it get that bad, that’s not an option for me.
Good days can happen sometimes or maybe a good afternoon which is why I make the most of it when I do. It can be so unpredictable as I don’t know what’s going to set me back and it doesn’t even need to be anything big. I also don’t pretend to be okay like I used to because that actually made me feel worse. I was never any good at it, apparently my family and friends can always tell if there’s something wrong which is a good thing in the long run I guess. I am really grateful for the amazing people I have in my life you know, I probably don’t say it enough.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this to be honest because I can’t imagine why anyone would want to read it. Selfishly I just need to vent and this is the only way I feel comfortable doing it so sorry about that! In a strange way it’s actually become therapeutic as well as a little emotional. I’m not very good with communicating face-to-face as it is so this means I’m not bottling it all up because that’s when it gets dangerous. Us humans need to express our feelings otherwise we tend to go a bit doolally so please if you’re going through something bad just talk to someone! It can be anyone like a family member, a friend, a doctor or even a stranger and I PROMISE you will feel like a weight has been lifted and no it won’t solve all your problems but it’s a start!
My therapy doesn’t start for a couple of weeks yet so I’ll have to get back to you on how that goes. I’ll be very surprised if any of you actually get this far into the post, if you have wow and thanks for reading! I need to do more personal posts like this not just about my mental health! Well I’ll end the post here and leave with you with what I repeat to myself when I’m feeling at my worst.
I am going to get better.
I am going to get better.
I am getting better.