All of us goes through phases in our lives when things don’t go according to plan or something unexpected happens and for me that was last week down to a T! Of course it can turn out to be good but sadly this isn’t the case.. The week before I was so excited and happy because I finally got the job of my dreams that I had been waiting ages for (yay) and I had a couple of days free before I started to be with friends and family, what more could I ask for? As you can see I had high expectations of how last week was going to plan out and when it didn’t, it hit me pretty hard. I’m still a little shaken from it and I’m hoping things will turn around soon. Actually screw that, I know I can turn it around!
I don’t think I’ve told you guys this here on my blog before but in case I haven’t, I suffer from anxiety and have experienced a number of panic attacks in the past. The panic attacks don’t happen often and I wouldn’t call it life threatening but obviously it can make my life a lot more difficult than it needs to be. It’s affected me getting jobs, stopped me from meeting new people and I’ve missed some cool opportunities because I let my anxiety win over doing what I wanted to do.
My most recent panic attack was last Tuesday morning. Right in the freaking middle of rush hour on the way to work. So not the best timing, actually there isn’t one is there? Anyway I was feeling extremely anxious the night before to the point that I thought I was going to be sick so you thought I would have seen the next morning coming but I didn’t weirdly enough? It was all confusing because it went by so quick in some ways and slow in others. It was like my brain was going into complete overdrive with my thoughts and I couldn’t catch up. I felt my heartbeat through my chest and my breathing was uncontrollable. I was shaking like a leave all over and sweating. I thought I was going to past out. I didn’t however it wouldn’t have surprised me if I did so I was lucky! I didn’t end up going into work either because I was still in shock and just plain scared to have to explain myself when my mind was all muddled so not very nice. Obviously I got through it nevertheless if it wasn’t for support of family and friends after what I had happened I might not have asked for help when I needed it..
I want to add that this is only my experience and I’m not speaking on behalf on everyone who suffers from anxiety or has experienced a panic attack because everyone is different.
And even now I’m still annoyed with myself and I know I shouldn’t be but I am. I’ve been told more than once by friends and family that I never give myself enough credit and I’m always very self critical but I guess that’s who I am and it’s a part of me I can’t change, not yet anyway. I tend to think quite far into the future and plan every little detail so I guess when it doesn’t go according to plan I get upset. It’s partly my own fault but what’s wrong with wanting things to turn out how you want them? My answer: nothing. You just need to be prepared if it doesn’t like you know should have plan B, C and D in place just in case haha!
The only thing I will advise if you don’t feel okay or you aren’t feeling yourself, please talk to someone. Don’t bottle it up! Whether it’s family member, a friend, your GP speak to them or whoever you feel comfortable with! I know what it’s like to feel like you’re the only one going through what you’re going through and feeling like you can’t talk to anyone but trust me when I say you’re not alone! I’m not going to try and pretend that I know what you’re going through because no one should when they don’t but there will be someone that does who wants to help but you have to make the first step. For me it wasn’t even that I wanted them to say “I understand” because I only wanted someone to speak to and for them to just listen.. it was like a weight had been lifted off me, honestly! Basically do whatever you need to do because you deserve to be happy.
Okay I’m done now I swear haha I just felt the need to let it all out and what better place then here right? Excuse the writing because apart from a couple of spelling and grammar mistakes, this one of the few posts I haven’t done much and just felt it how it is! I still hope you enjoyed this post and I’ll see you soon 🙂